sometimes life is amazing

sometimes it sucks

This year so far has been such an emotional roller coaster. Losing my husband/best friend was devastating to say the least. Welcoming a new grandchild was joyous. Family and friends have been amazingly supportive. But late at night when I'm all alone with my thoughts, it seems that all I can do is dwell on the bad things. I know it wasn't his choice to die, but how could Walt leave me like this? With no income, no skills. and so many decisions to make..   I am so grateful for Jesse. He keeps me focused, gives me a reason to get up in the morning, and to keep moving throughout the day. I need to be strong for him, but at times it's just to much..  I find myself not being as patient with his little autistic idiosyncrasies as I should be, and that's not fair to him.    Of course when people ask I tell them every thing's ok - what am I going to say - "life sucks, I just want to close my eyes and have everything back the way it was?"   I should be grateful, I know things could be so much worse..   I just want to feel happiness again, to feel loved and needed..  to not worry about every decision I make, to not worry about how we're going to make it. or what I'm going to do.  I just want....